Angry Annie Read online

  “Nu-uh. You ain’t hanging around me all day long. I got things to do.”

  “Like what? Do you need to leave more reviews for products you’ve never tried?”

  She crosses her arms and marches down her stairs toward me. I realize I’m a little scared of her, but I don’t want her to notice, so I hold my ground.

  “Who says I haven’t tried stuff? Who? You tell me!”

  I open my mouth with the full intention of calling her out on my sister’s bakery review, but I stop myself. “Prove it then. Show me.”

  Annie glances up at the sun and places her palm over her eyes to see me better. I can hear her grinding her teeth.

  “Tick tock, Annie.”

  “Fine. Give me the twenty.” She holds out her hand.

  I reach into my purse and pull out the cash. She holds the bill up to the light, flicks it twice, then turns and walks back into the house.

  Where is she going? I stand next to my car, unsure what I’m supposed to do. Did she just take the money and run?

  After a few minutes and no word from Annie, I walk up to her door. I stand there for a few minutes, listening to see if she’s coming back. The sound of a lawnmower next door makes me twist my head, but I don’t see anyone.

  “If you’re waiting for a written invitation to come in, then you’re gonna be standing out there until pigs fly,” she shouts from inside.

  The door squeaks as I open it. Once I’m inside, the smell of bread makes my mouth immediately water. Her house is surprisingly charming. I’m not sure what I expected, but this wasn’t it. I think I half-expected to see the hearts of her victims mounted on the walls like trophies and outlines of people she’s murdered on the carpet. But it’s tidy and organized. Her furniture seems like it could be antique. There’s an old wood smell mixed with the bread that almost makes me think of my late grandmother.

  “Hey, Stupid!” she yells. “If you want to eat breakfast, you have two minutes to get your ugly little ass in here or it’s going in the garbage.”

  Jeez, she’s nasty. I swear if I didn’t know I was going to expose her for the fraud she is, I might be inclined to tell her to go fuck herself. She has no right to talk to me that way. I hustle my way to the kitchen to set her straight about how she addresses me, but before I get there, my stomach growls. I decide I’ll correct her right after I eat whatever smells so divine.

  She has her back to me while she washes dishes in the sink, but I notice she’s set a small bowl out for me at the kitchen table. I slide into the picnic bench style seat and bend down to sniff it. It smells and looks hideous. Do I suffer and eat it or risk offending her by turning it away? Ugh. She didn’t even leave me a fork.

  “Do you have some type of utensil for me?” I ask hesitantly.

  She pivots to regard me and the bowl in my hand. Her eyes start to dance with amusement. Before I know it, she’s laughing hysterically and slapping her legs with her palms as she hops about the room from foot to foot.

  I’m not sure why she thinks I’m so damn funny and to be honest, she’s really pissing me off.

  “You know what? You have no business calling me stupid or any other name. I’ll have you know I graduated at the top of my class, with honors.”

  Her laughter intensifies.

  “I don’t appreciate your attitude or the venom you spew. If you expect me to eat . . . whatever this is, then the least you could do is set out silverware of some kind.”

  Annie grabs ahold of the counter and gasps for breaths as she laughs. She gets to a point where she’s heaving and there’s no longer sound. As upset as I am with her, she almost makes me want to laugh too. I start off with a small smile, then a giggle. I don’t know what I said that was so funny, but I make Jorgie laugh all the time. Maybe I don’t even realize my own talent.

  After a few minutes, she pulls a kitchen towel to her eyes to dry the tears that have formed. “Ooh, child . . . I haven’t laughed that hard in years.”

  I shrug. “I’m glad I’m so entertaining.” I swirl the bowl around in my hands and bring it up to sniff it one more time. “What do you call this dish?”

  “Around here I call it cat food.”

  “What?” I place the bowl down on the table. “You were going to serve me cat food?”

  “I wasn’t planning on serving you anything. But if you’re that hungry, I suppose you can have it.”

  “You told me to get my ass in here and eat,” I reply.

  She leans her hand on the counter and swirls her tongue around her teeth, making that annoying clicking sound I heard earlier. “I thought you said your name was Joslyn.”

  “It is.”

  “Do you usually respond to Stupid? That some kind of nickname maybe your momma gave you?”

  I feel a headache starting. I take a deep breath so I don’t explode. “No, I don’t answer to stupid, and I think it was rude of you to call me that.”

  A small meow sounds from the doorway. A yellow tabby cat prances into the room.

  “You’re late,” Annie says. “That woman almost ate your breakfast.” She stuffs the towel into her pocket and motions from me to the cat. “Stupid the woman, meet Stupid the cat. I didn’t know anyone could be dumber than him.”

  My mouth drops and I close my eyes. What in the world have I gotten myself into?

  “HIS NAME IS STUPID?” I ask as his tail swirls around my hand. At least someone in this house is friendly.

  “He showed up one day. I opened the front door to get my paper and he ran in. I gave up trying to get him to leave. He’s as dumb as a doornail. He walks into things all the time.”

  “Maybe he can’t see well.” I bend down to lift him onto my lap.

  The sound of the lawnmower outside gets louder. Annie and I both glance out her back window at the same time. There’s a broad-shouldered man with his back to us, cutting her grass. He’s wearing a baseball cap, no shirt, and jeans. Yowza.

  “That damn boy is always getting in my way.” She opens the back door of the house and yells, “How many times do I have to tell you I don’t want you cuttin’ my grass? You hard of hearin’?”

  The lawnmower stops and he turns around. Holy mother of mercy he’s gorgeous. If I had a lawn, I’d hire him to mow mine. My girly lawn wonders if he’s skilled in that area as well.

  He waves his hand and smiles. Familiar white teeth catch me off guard.

  “Morning, Annie! It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it? How was dinner last night? Did you like my pot roast?”

  “You used too much salt and it was overcooked. Your dishes are bringing flies. Either you start pickin’ them up or I’m gonna throw them in the trash!”

  “Sorry, Annie. I’ll go grab them right now. Did you like the blanket I found for you?”

  I’m certain my mouth is hanging open and I’m drooling.

  “I don’t need no ugly blanket. I don’t know why you thought I did. I put it in a garbage bag where it belongs. Boy, you have horrible taste. It was scratchy and smelled funny.”

  “Darn. Well, sorry, Annie. I just saw it at the store and I thought of you. I’ll go grab it and the dishes before I finish.”

  “I’m tryin’ to have a conversation in here and your mowin’ is too damn loud. Go mow someone else’s lawn.”

  “Aww, Annie, you know I only love you like that. I’ll finish it later after your guest leaves. Have a good day! Oh, how does pizza sound for dinner?” he yells back.

  “If you’re gonna burn the bottom and put that damn pineapple on it again then don’t bother. Pineapple is a fruit. You see anybody putting strawberries on pizza? The only thing pineapple belongs in are piña coladas. You want to make me happy? Bring me one of those.”

  “No problem, Annie. No pineapple!” He waves to her and smiles brightly. He lifts his cap slightly as his eyes travel to the window. I’m not sure he can see me even though my rear end is off the seat to get a better look. He tips his hat to me and smiles. My butt falls quickly back in the seat and I turn my head so I
don’t look like I was staring even though I totally was.

  Annie slams the back door and mumbles something inaudible. She rolls her watch around her wrist and pulls it farther away as she tilts her head back, I assume to see the time. Looks like Stupid may not be the only one with vision problems.

  “Counting the time you wasted already on my porch, you got thirty-five more minutes or else you’re gonna have to give me another twenty.”

  “Who was that?” I ask, pointing toward the back yard. I place Stupid on the floor and he hops toward the doorway. He rams his head into the wall, stops, moves over a bit, and hops down the hall as if nothing happened.

  “The boy? He lives next door. You wanna talk about my reviews or are we going to make chit chat all day?”

  “He’s a boy? He looks all man to me.”

  “Boy, man, they’re all the same. He’s annoying and won’t leave me alone. He has issues.”

  “Really? You mean like, he’s slow?”

  “He’s slow at everything and he doesn’t listen. He’s always bugging me. I wish he’d move.”

  “How long have you two been friends?”

  “I ain’t nobody’s friend. Why you so interested in my neighbors? You writing an article about who lives near Annie or you writing about Annie?”

  “Right. Of course, I was just curious.” I brush my hair away from my face and she studies me.

  “You single? You tryin’ to find you a hot piece of ass?”

  My face warms with a blush. “No! I mean, yes. I’m single but no, I’m not trying to find anything. I’m very focused on my career.”

  She motions to my waist as she leans on her kitchen counter. “If you don’t use that thing regularly, it stops working, you know?”

  “What thing?”

  “Your kitty. You gotta keep it lubed up regularly or else it’ll dry out.”

  I cough. This just got really uncomfortable.

  “It’s a fact of life, child. Every pussy needs petting.”

  “Um, anyway, let’s talk about you.”

  “You wanna know about my pussy?”

  “God, no. What I mean is let’s discuss your online presence.”

  She walks out of the kitchen without saying a word.

  “Did I offend you?” I holler after her.

  When she doesn’t respond, I get up and follow her. I glance around as I trail down the hall. There are two bedrooms I hadn’t noticed. One must be where she sleeps because there’s a small bed. The other has a desk with a very old cream-colored computer on it. She pushes a button and waits, tapping her foot. There’s a loud whirring sound. I assume the old thing takes a while to get going.

  “Is that what you use?” I point to the fossil in front of her.

  She glances between me and her computer. “Yeah, you got a problem with that?”

  “It’s really old.”

  “Just because something is old doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. Old doesn’t mean bad. You young people think ’cause somethin’ isn’t brand-new it isn’t good. Sometimes older things are better.”

  “How old are you?” I ask.

  “None of your business.”

  “I’m paying you to tell me about yourself, remember?” I lean my head on the doorframe and cross one foot over my ankle.

  She repositions her rear end on the hardwood chair where she’s sitting. “I’ve been seventeen four times,” she says without looking at me. “You need a calculator?”

  “No, I don’t. Just because something isn’t a dinosaur doesn’t mean it’s dumb.”

  The screen finally purrs to life. It stays blue for a long time and chugs along slowly. Jeez. I couldn’t handle waiting if that were my computer. I like to get right to it.

  After watching nothing happen on her computer for what seems like forever, I step into the room and over to a black and white picture on the wall. There’s an attractive young woman with her arm intertwined with a handsome young man. They seem really happy. “Who’s that?”

  “Ain’t nobody. Mind your own beeswax. I think we need to be done. I don’t like you. You’re nosy.”

  “Annie, we had a deal. I still have twenty more minutes. Plus, I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  “Nu-uh. Tomorrow is church and I ain’t bringin’ your skinny, twiggy, boring ass to church with me.”

  “You think I’m skinny?” I choose to ignore everything after that.

  She rolls her eyes, untangles the mouse cord, clicking on Word for Windows. At least she has software. I wonder if she’s going to show me a review she wrote. I decide not to hover. She already wants me to leave and I haven’t seen anything newsworthy yet.

  “Fine, Sunday is off, but I’ll be back first thing Monday morning. I think.”

  “You think? What’s that mean? You don’t know what you doin’? You ain’t made a decision?”

  “I just need to ask, I mean, tell work.”

  “Ask, tell . . . You don’t fool me, missy. They know you here or you playin’ them too? I bet nobody would know a thing if you went missin’.”

  I swallow hard. Missing? Is she planning on killing me in the basement? “They know exactly where I am. I just didn’t realize this was going to take so long and I need to let them know.”

  “Um hmm.”

  She clicks on a document and it starts to print. Holy hell. Her printer is slow too. I guess she doesn’t have the money for new stuff. I get a little excited when it finishes and she reads it over. I wonder if I get to see it.

  She stands and leaves the room. I follow her because I’m starting to realize she’s never going to tell me where she’s going or come back. She walks to the kitchen, rummages through a drawer, pulls something out of it, and starts to work on the paper. I lick my lips with anticipation. This could be a copy of one of her reviews or maybe it’s a new one she’s been working on.

  She turns to me and holds out the paper. I quickly skim it. “No solicitors. I don’t like cookies. I’ve found my Lord and Savior. I already have an alarm. I don’t need you to cut my grass . . .”

  “This is the sign from your front door,” I say. “Why are you giving this to me?”

  “So you can put it back up where it was when you took it. On your way out.”

  She walks to the front door and holds it open. She rolls her tongue again and makes that damn clicking noise.

  “I didn’t take your sign,” I respond.

  “Then how’d you know what it said?”

  Damn. She caught me. I walk out the door and turn to face her. “See you Monday morn—” I don’t even finish my sentence when she slams the door and I hear the lock click.

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Great job, Joss. That went really well. You think? You think maybe you could have handled it a little better? Maybe you should have kept your mouth shut about the stupid sign.” I place the paper back on the house, making sure the duct tape sticks to the brick. I sigh and turn around to face my car and that’s when I see the shirtless hottie watching me. He’s on his knees by Annie’s flowers, picking weeds. Great.

  “Do you always talk to yourself and answer?” he asks with a crooked smile. His head tilts to the side and he squints his eyes in the sun. Damn. He’s even more attractive up close.

  “As a matter of fact I do.” I hold out my hand to him. “Joslyn Walters. I’m a writer with The Gaggle.”

  He stands and brushes off his hands on his stone washed jeans. My eyes linger a bit on his thighs. He reaches out and shakes my hand. “Rhode Bennett, next door neighbor.”

  His hands are rough. He must do a lot of manual labor. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Oh, we’ve sort of met before,” he replies.

  “We have? When?”

  “Our eyes met at Tyke’s last night.”

  “That was you?” I reply with a smile. “I thought I recognized the teeth, although you’re clean-shaven today.”

  He snickers as his hand washes over his chin. “Yeah, it was getting a little scraggly.”


  “No, it wasn’t. It was hot.”

  His head tilts to the side and he smiles shyly.

  “Shit. Did I say that out loud?”

  He glances down at the dirt and his cheeks almost seem to blush. It’s endearing as fuck.

  “Anyway. I have to go. Nice to meet you.” I shake my head at myself as I walk to my car. I glance over my shoulder and see he’s watching me, so I make sure I swivel my ass a bit more.

  Once I reach the car I notice him bend down to continue his work. He’s not staring and it bothers me. “You think maybe I could ask you a few questions sometime?” I shout. “I’m doing a piece on Annie and I’d love to hear some stories.”

  “Sure,” he replies. “She’s a great lady. I’d be happy to tell you what I know.”

  “Great!” I pull a piece of paper from my notebook and scribble my cell number. “Here’s my number. I, uh, ran out of business cards.”

  He walks over to me and takes the paper from my hands, tucking it in the back pocket of his jeans. “Thanks. I’ll call you sometime.”

  Why does that feel like a brush-off? An even better question is why do I care if it is? On the drive home I make a decision. I’m about to put my research skills to use. This time, my subject is none other than shy weed picker, Rhode Bennett.

  I LICK THE PINK frosting from my fingers then wipe my hand with a napkin.

  “Was it good?” Jorgie asks as she straightens the stack of take home menus in her new store.

  I hum lightly. “So good. It was almost orgasmic.”

  She smiles brightly and moves behind the counter to straighten the rows in the display case. “I can’t believe I open tomorrow. I’m so nervous,” she says, leaning her hands on the glass.

  “You’re going to be great. I put flyers in everyone’s mail boxes at work and posted all over my social media pages. I have a really good feeling about this.”

  The sound of my ringtone for my boss, Claus, permeates the air. I jump down off the counter as “Working Day and Night” by Michael Jackson plays loudly. “I have to take this.”

  Jorgie nods and motions in my direction as she starts to sweep the floor.

  “Claus, hi! Did you get my message?”